The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Melony Beattie is well known and respected in the recovery world. Reading this book brought me back to my Hazelden days when everybody was chemically dependent.1985 was a long time ago and the field of recovery has expanded in many great ways. What is co-dependence? It is being maladaptive in life and love. It is basically being screwed up within the family dynamic or even outside the family unit whether alcoholism is present or not. Melony defines it as "a person who has let someone else's behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling other peoples behavior." My name is Stephen and I am a co-dependent, chemically dependent cross addicted alcoholic and drug addict and of course I have Reward Deficiency Syndrome. No wonder I don't have a job or a gf. However it is all one in the same for the most part. The 12 steps of recovery can take care of all of these ills. If you mix in some solid therapy on top of hitting meetings daily and praying every morning then this can be the best of both worlds. I was a one chip wonder when I came into the rooms at 16 years old. I was humble but not humble enough. The second step basically states that unless one has true humility or something close to it the second step will be hard to grasp. I am humble today because I know what being in jail, institutions and what being homeless feels like, it sucks real bad. The longer I stayed away from the rooms the easier it was for me to become a caretaker and to have all of the answers for somebody else's issues. That was co-dependence in its finest form and it was the devil in disguise. It was the perfect storm for me to not take a look or take care of myself anymore. My motives were pure and noble but that doesn't mean that I wasn't totally f ed up and completely away from sobriety and what recovery is supposed to be all about. I thought I was strong and that I would never succumb to a weakness of basically becoming a pathetic caretaker. It didn't help that during this time I was benzoed out and didn't even know what planet I was on for the most part. I have been co-dependent my entire life and this was way before my Xanax, Weed and Vicodin binges. I kept finding excuses to self medicate after I stopped being actively involved in Recovery Unity And Service but I never stopped acknowledging my alcoholism. Weed, Vicodin, Xanax and Adderall was ok for me though because that was for my depression. I felt like dying when I was fully drugged out and worried about somebody else's alcoholism at the same time, this was still a perfect excuse for me to not look or take care of myself. It is a great book and I can relate to all of it. I never knew what the Secret was, I saw the book and knew it was on Oprah but it is the real deal. Being humble and grateful is the name of the game. I have strong opinions but that doesn't mean that I am not grateful and humble. I don't know if I have the Promises yet but I know that I am a lot less angry and resentful then I was 16 months ago. The only way to get the Secret is to continue to be of service and to be grateful for the simplest of things. I had a lot of rage over the years because I knew that I f ed up by turning my back on the program and was very angry for getting myself into that situation. I was too proud and full of the egoic mind to humbly walk back into the rooms and to start all over. I went back but I never kept it up and I definitely didn't start all over at square one. If I had reasons why I stopped attending meetings or practicing the daily reprieve then they must have been valid ones so why would I go back to something that I already fully rejected? Pride kills a lot of alcoholics. Its cunning baffling and powerful. The majority of people who are exposed to the program don't make it and end up in ugly places so for that reason alone this makes me grateful for at least one more day of sobriety.
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