One Mans Path To Enlightenment

This is a story of James D's long journey and path to enlightenment. James better known as Jimmy dropped out of Colgate University where he had a partial academic scholarship but decided to enlist in the USMC. He was intellectually curious but wasn't doing very well in school due to a plethora  of partying. Jimmy ended up doing 1 tour in Ramadi and two tours in Afghanistan. He left the Marine Corps with a disability check and a lot of mental and physical problems to back it.
  By his early 30's he acknowledged that his life didn't end up like he had hoped. One failed marriage with no solid career along with  ptsd and chronic pain that hindered his ability to do the only thing he seemed to be qualified for, ie- manual labor. He filled in the gaps by reading at a rapacious pace  and even went back to school to get his undergraduate degree. He majored in Philosophy, infact he was a Philosopher in one of his other lives during the Rennasaisamce Era. Even during his deployments during their downtime when his brother warriors were swapping muscle and fitness, muscle car and Playboy magazines he would much rather be off in  his own little but big world  reading about Socrates and Plato.
  He was an alcoholic that found solace in washing down his benzos with Wild Turkey. Pain meds didn't seem to do that much for his pain, these  didn't even seem to get him high, they made him feel sick. Therefore he didn't partake in ingesting Vicodin or Percocet very often, only when the pain became unbearable. In the interim booze seemed to do the job. The VA had him on a few anti depressants and he already had 1 detox as well as one 30 day rehab under his belt. Nothing seemed to be working out very well in Jimmy D's world as far as sobriety was concerned. He didn't think or feel that he was an alcoholic, he just knew that he drank too much and engaged in vituperative rages on a regular basis which seemed to lead to violence both verbal as well as  physical.
  He heard about AA and NA during rehab, detox and through the VA but would rather see a shrink instead. One morning after a hellacious bender that he didn't seem to remember he decided to give AA a shot. He read about a men's meeting around the corner and was soon there in a flash. One guy in the meeting seemed to go off the rails about god. Jimmy didn't think too highly of the Catholic church or organized religion in general for that matter. Between the pedophile priests, guilt trips, life long celibacy and having had his relatives that literally got the divinity beaten out of them by the nuns he was not very impressed to say the least. This one guy in the meeting stood up and said "how dare anybody have the sin  to state that there may be no god." This man had fire in his eyes and had smoke that seemed to be coming out of both his ears and nose not to mention veins that were bulging out of his neck. He stomped his feet and shook his fists and made it appear that he would physically hit somebody if he were challenged on this. 
  Jimmy was impressed by his passion, certainly not his intellect but decided to ask him to be his sponsor anyway. He reminded him of some of the crazed devil dogs that he served with overseas. Jimmy was more or less an existential nihilist and even asked his sponsor if he knew about or what moral relativism was. It didn't go over that well. His new sponsor was named Rick. After a few sit downs and a few days of abstinence on Jimmy's side Rick decided to lay it on hard and heavy. He said "so where are you working"? Rick expected his new sponsees to be willing to go to any length and as far as he was concerned if somebody wasn't working that showed indolence and an overall basic lack of character. Jimmy explained that he had a disability check from Uncle Sam and his chronic pain and injuries that he suffered while serving his country left him physically handicapped from doing hard manual labor. Rick also explained to Jimmy that he had 5 sponsees that called him every day, went to 10 meetings a week and if he wasn't willing to go all the way and do this as well and completely surrender to god then he didn't have any time for him. He also explained that he was lazy and should be working because the GWOT was a long time ago. Two of his sponsees had companies where he could work, one was a moving company the other one was in construction. There would be no pay for the first week, it would be a non paid apprenticeship to see if he could handle the relentless pace as well as lift  the heavy items like couches up staircases or to see if he could use the construction equipment efficiently. If he made the cut after the first week then it would be 11 dollars per hour but cash money with room for growth. After 6 months he could move up to 13 dollars or so but remember cash money. James was not impressed to say the least but decided to listen on. 
    Rick continued on with his chain smoking over weight and out of shape diatribe with more religious jargon. He didn't even finish one cigarette before he lit up another one and  basically almost shouted at a high decibel level during what was supposed to be a normal conversation. He even dropped an f bomb or two.  Rick stated that "the problem with todays rehabbers is that they feel that they are terminally unique, are way too self absorbed, they are a plague to our shrine, they aren't humble either and seem to have a sense of entitlement, most of them need to go back out to do more research." "The best place for them may very well be  6 feet under because if they cant see the light early on then that laced up dope will be gods way of dealing with people who don't know how or who aren't willing to surrender all the way". "Not only that we don't want to hear about drug use in our meetings, they don't really belong here".
   James didn't know anything about how to fire a sponsor the only thing he knew for sure was that he was done with AA. After a few hard partying nights of booze and benzos he got a call from somebody that said that he was a friend of a friend and heard that he wanted to possibly mitigate his propensity for mood and mind altering substances. This was when he was introduced to his first SMART Recovery meeting. Luke picked him up in a 2013 SL65 AMG Mercedes and they swapped stories for a few. James asked him what his DOC was etc.. Luke seemed to have it all together, a smile on his face, not phony, in shape and appeared to be very happy and at peace. DOC Luke said wtf are you talking about what's that Department of Corrections? I was never in jail, rehab, nor was ever homeless. No what was your drug of choice James stated? Luke had a perplexed look on his face and stated- "Drug Of Choice, around here we don't use labels or jargon. I am not a drug addict nor an alcoholic. Around here we don't engage in negative sarcasm or judgment of others and we try not to  make any self deprecating comments. I am just a human being that likes to help and empower others with no strings attached. I believe in a power, the power of choice and the power to change ones negative thinking patterns". "As far as my vices, lets see I don't smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol or use drugs especially non narcotic meds. I used to do a lot of blow and bed a lot of beautiful women. The strippers on the circuit and the Victoria Secret types. I usually never went to bed alone but that doesn't mean that I wasn't very lonely. This is when I learned about The Law Of Attraction and Quantum Fields because this was also around the same time that I hit an emotional bottom. Today I am 6 years clean and sober and happily married to one of the girls that I used to sleep with. She was looking for something a lot more as well but she just didn't know it or realize it at the time. She is as smart as they come and works in our business. Today we have wealth but don't' have to chase after money, it just seems to come to us. Believe it or not we never even fight, we are both mindful and actually try to practice what we share with others. As a matter of fact you can start working for us at $25 per hour for starters and don't have to do anything except answer some phones. After a few months we will raise it to $35 per hour but you may have to stuff a few envelopes as well. Other then that we will go to SMART meetings together, read some books, attend some seminars and have group dialogues with many of the other like minded individuals. There is a catch however. We don't hoard our Secret Sauce. There are no patents, non competes or non disclosures to sign. Once you transfer over to the path of spiritual enlightenment you must  give it away to others. This is the only way that it works. The only way to keep it is for us to give it away freely and without reservation, the same way it will be freely given to you". James thought that this was too good to be true and that there must be some catch or some back stabbing twist involved in all of this. No Luke stated have some faith, time will prove this to you. The obsession to drink and drug left James permanently shortly thereafter, today he has 3 years clean and sober. No relapses or recurrences and a great looking girlfriend that is actually nice to him. As long as he continues to give away what was freely given then today nobody has to tell him that he will stay happy and sober until the end of time. 

PMA-Positive Mental Attitude

https://markmanson.net/the-secret This guy has The Secret all wrong. For starters it's not about delusional positive thinking. It's about looking at situations in a more PMA light- (Positive Mental Attitude.) That is why Tony Robbins is not a carnival barker or a snake oil salesman. I walked on hot coals 30 years ago with his help. Stephen Covey had it right on the money with a  picture that he had in his book- There were two different ways of looking at the same picture. This is the essence of what cbt and dbt is all about. I need this myself in a big way, that is why I am so grateful for books Like The Secret and Drop The Rock- There have been many studies to substantiate how much negativity cost companies due to lack of moral. There is usually good reason for this, poor management and overall lack of empathy or concern from the higher ups but peoples attitude still plays a major part in this.  
   I want to be happy and not stuck in a miserable rabbit hole, what a waste of time, effort and energy that really was. It was the perfect example and reason of why I was so miserable and couldn't see the forest through the trees. Anger, resentment, blame is the perfect recipe for poverty and depression. It is poison and does lead to sickness and despair that is why Mark Manson was way off the mark with his negative review of The Secret- Thoughts do emanate various frequencies and energy, dogs sense this and so can  people. Tony Robbins comes across as somewhat of a carnival barker and a rube in his huge seminars but one has to put on a show of major proportions when in the presence of thousands of people that are all seeking a better life. People are expecting a show of emmense power and this is what he seems to deliver every time. There is still integrity in his message, I was especially impressed by his PMA cbt youtube videos. It's about turning fear into faith, that is why I knew my feet wouldn't get burned from the hot coals many years ago,                           

Drop The Rock

I had a dream yesterday morning and Bill W was in it. He was still alive, he looked like a combination of James Woods and the real picture that I saw of him. We were at a meeting, last month I  dreamt that  I slugged down a few shots of JD so it looks like I am making some progress. I am the guy that is described in The Big Book who basks in the Fla sunshine and complains about the sad state of the nation. That is me to a T or I should state that was me up until my latest revelations.
   There are a few books that I would call potentially life saving and or changing. The Big Book, The Power Of Now, The Secret and Drop The Rock. I saw the 2 hour seminar with Bill P. but wasn't able to grasp the full essence of his message until I read the book. This was the shortest but longest book that I have ever read. That is because it is only like 100 pages but it is so concise and filled up with  so much spiritual information that it still took me many hours to read it. I admire his conviction and his desire to tell it the way that he feels that it is. It's about the 6th and 7th steps, he makes it very clear that these are definitely action steps and not a rest on your laurels type proposition. I can see how people can break down this book and have study groups and even meetings just like the Big Book. I found a  rock that is painted red and I have now dropped it. I am now keeping it as a gratitude rock. Progress not perfection, easy does it but do it. I like to bask in self righteous anger but this is poison. That is because as the Buddha explains when the hot anger stone is lifted and thrown at your opponent you are only burning yourself in the process. Anger and rage is poison. I liked to hold on to some of that anger and resentment because it is an intoxicant just like booze. "Anger is emotional drunkenness"-pp-46 False pride that is another one to look out for.
  The morning reflection the other day said that we should possibly make AA a life study. I take the program seriously because I don't want to be a miserable dry drunk. Unless I start to operate on a  higher level frequency I will never be able to reach my full potential. This means reading Drop The Rock more then once and recommending it to others. It states in the second step of the 12 and 12 that we may not want to do this kind of work unless our own lives are dependent on it. That is how I look at it as well, cbt- dbt and changing my negative thought patterns. That means not complaining about what I don't have or the sad state of affairs in this country and or the criminal politicians because that has been my mo up until very recently. Drop The Rock explains how this is a program not of getting but rather of giving and getting rid of important things. Important things that aren't so important but dangerous to hold onto- like anger and resentment, self righteousness, being dogmatic and sitting on top of some sort of moral, intellectual or spiritual pedestal.
   The one critique I have is the man who didn't feel that he was working his program hard enough because he was over weight. He made a pejorative comment about himself that went something like this- "that is how sick I was even in sobriety." This has been my critique of the program since day 1. In other words the negative self talk and continuous dogma and negative criticism we sometimes place on ourselves that seems to come from the higher ups or some type of super ego platform. Another one is "we are here because we are not all there." For starters anybody who has the courage to confront his/her demons even if they continually struggle with this has a lot more spiritual insight in more ways then one then the average Joe Blow off the street. The people that I have met in recovery are some of the wisest most squared away people that I have ever met. That is why pejorative comments about oneself and others especially behind their back is never very helpful. That is why Smart Recovery is attempting to change a lot of this. In other words if you are struggling but keep having recurrences or relapses for lack of a better word you still aren't failing, you are still making progress. I don't know about anybody else but my self esteem has taken a serious beating over the years so I could use some positive reinforcement and encouragement. The one avenue  I cant agree with is the time aspect however. Steps 6 and 7 is the beginning of a life long journey. This means that if we dig deep enough the psychic change has either occurred or will occur and along with this the phenomenon of craving will have disappeared long before. This means that we don't have to go back out again nor would we ever feel the urge to do this and if we do then we need to find out why. That is of course unless  somebody doesn't mind the vicious cycle of jails, institutions homelessness and ultimately death. It is a brutal disease that cant be sugarcoated but there is an easier and softer way.  
   If somebody has 5 years and then goes back out they still don't have 5 years. This means that they either never got sober to begin with meaning that their mind, body and soul didn't change that much  or because they stopped their daily vigilance just like I did many years ago. That is why we say "surrender to win". If somebody cant relate to jails, institutions, becoming homeless and ultimately death then there must be some negative consequence that went  along with their alcohol/drug use otherwise they wouldn't have been in the rooms to begin with. Some people like to hang out for the fellowship however, I can understand this but I still cant relate. If somebody doesn't feel on a gut level that there life is on the line and or come to this realization somewhere along the way hopefully sooner rather then later then I don't want to associate with them for toast and tea.      

What We Resist Persists

I believe in serendipity, synchronicity and technological singularity. I also believe in psychic vampires, lust at first bite and hippo hurricane hollers. The more I plug into the light the less evil appears to be. That is The Secret and The Power of Now and every else in between. Controlled Opposition has us focus on the dark side because it's all about divide and conquer. That is why Lenin stated that the best way to lead the opposition was  to control it themselves. The more that I resist evil the more it persists, that was the great man Jung who stated that. He also stated that one  needed a spiritual experience of some sort  in order to recover from chronic alcoholism. 
  The combo of Smart Recovery and AA makes a lot of sense however the spiritual side must be focused on. That is because self knowledge avails us nothing. The mind is all about the ego and id, this is what causes chaos, war, greed, one up man ship,  materialism and everything else in between. That is why the for all intensive  purposes seemingly squared away man went to see the great man in Europe and stated that he seemed to  have all of the answers but still couldn't get sober. The great man told him that the gates of hell would continue to clang down on him unless he had a spiritual awakening, Dr Silkworth explained it as a psychic change. One can get a psychic change of sorts through cbt, rebt and dbt but this still  comes down to the mind and ego which is good  but still possibly not sustainable utilized as a stand alone for long term sobriety.
   I believe in a female hp because women seem to be better then men in a lot of ways. Man is all about the ego and  id ,  perpetual  war, self  absorption, competition, evolution, survival of the fittest that  uses the  mind  as the greatest  weapon. Singularity still makes sense-AI,  mind  clones and eternal life. If we combine intelligent design with evolution then that is the recipe for success. Instead of divide and conquer one can take the best of both worlds, this way there will be  no long drawn out contention and controversies. The ego and the mind took over and this is when god became a patriarchal figure. Eckart Tolle  explains how in ancient cultures the female was the wise one, the goddess who represented the formless and transcendental reality. The mother of the Universe. Once the males mind, ego and id took over God transcended into a man, a controlling, judging, angry one that should be feared and of course was designed  to make us feel shame remorse and guilt. Who wants that not me, that is why Smart Recovery focusses on  having us get rid of the shame, guilt  and low self esteem. The super ego and negative self talk is limiting and has had  me filled  up with too much self centered fear.
   Nothing positive would ever come out of this,  especially if I continued to not grasp the Power Of Now. That is because what we resist not only persists but only increases in size. The more that I come to terms with this the more I can see that the evil I was so focused on over the years that I was going to try to crush, eradicate and warn the world about was just an illusion that was more then likely never even there at all. It's all about perception vs reality. I was also very much focused within  the egoic mind and this was not a very enjoyable place to be. The more my perception became reality the more drugs I seemed to need. The further away from my hp I became the more my chronic pain seemed to emerge. Psychosomatic and not very healthy to say the least, this was  untreated alcoholism 101.